goodbye

Honestly,

I don’t know why I am so interested in all of your lives.

I just got done spending an amazing six hours with a bunch of people in my life who truly care about me on a personal level and vice versa, who I LIVE WITH but don’t spend near enough time with because I’m on here too much, where as most of you (with the exception of a small handful of you) have never taken the time to get to know me personally whatsoever, despite my attempts to talk to you about things other than OMGWTFLOLDUDE WAT IS THIS IS THIS REAL LIFE, etc.

Despite the stupid things I post sometimes, I am an intelligent person who has gone through a lot and who has a very strong desire to get to know people personally.

If one of you were to actually talk to me about something you were going through, I would care about what you had to say. I could most likely empathize, because I’ve been through a lot myself, and even if I haven’t gone through it, I have always been able to easily put myself in someone else’s shoes, so to speak.

Like I said, some of you have become actual friends of mine outside of tumblr, though I don’t know any of you in person (obviously other than Andy, Kendall, Seth, Marie, and the people from WV I met when I lived there), but most of you have never seemed to take any interest in me. I don’t post nudes, am not illiterate enough in my posts (I guess) to be tumblr-funny, am not actually “hip,” and have never in my life been considered “popular” or indie enough to be cool. I don’t know what this website’s reasoning is for having such “strong bonds” with certain people while leaving others just outside of the tight-knit circle of closeness, but I am really tired of it.

I hate to say that my social interaction on a single website impacts the way I feel so strongly, because that’s kind of pathetic to think about, but it’s true. All of you somewhat accepting me, but leaving me out at the same time is really crap. I thought it was so cool when I first discovered a bunch of who are now my favorite tumblr personalities. I have idolized several of you for so long, but for no reason. Yes, those of you that I think are the epitome of cool on here do follow me back, which I at first thought was awesome, and sometimes we have reblog or occasional AIM conversations, but those die away quickly and are never over anything of any significance.

I’m just really tired of this feeling that I have to prove myself to you people in order to get any sort of validation. I don’t need to think certain things or type a certain way or post a certain kind of stupidly funny picture or vice versa to form friendships in person, so I don’t see why I feel like I have to in order to attract any of you as friends.

I guess the point of all of this is just me getting it all out of my head and into print. Whether any of you will actually read this, I don’t know. It wouldn’t really surprise me if you didn’t, or if you think I’m being a whiny emo kid. None of you know me in real life, you don’t know my experiences, you don’t know how I act when I’m not sitting at a computer, and most of you probably don’t even care.

I highly doubt I’ll be able to quit tumblr any time soon, simply because I do have a lot of free time and really do enjoy blogging for the most part. I’m not saying I’m going to quit talking to any of you or that I think you’re bad people. I just need to reevaluate what is really important to me. Again. …I’m pretty sure this is a constant life process.

In closing, just know that how you do—or do not, in this case—interact with people, even online, is important, and it says something about who you are as a person. Love is the most important thing to me, and I hope that in between all the stupid posts, that has come across in the things I say. I still love all of you as much as you can love someone you hardly know and only follow on tumblr, aaand that’s all.

The end. Go home now.

Goodnight.

<3